There seems to be a whole catalogue of acceptable little lies we tell children:‘Eat your carrots – they will make you be able to see in the dark!’‘If you eat your bread crusts, your hair will go curly!’Then, of course, there is the biggest conspiracy of them all – Santa Claus.Many of these phrases are well meaning and uttered with good intentions.However, the one that has me perplexed is the classic:

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”

This line is delivered to children in a bid to encourage them to ‘rise above it’ and provide a lesson in early resilience. But is this actually what this phrase is teaching?

“… words can never hurt me.”

If you are a person who has never been upset at anything anyone has ever said to you, I would hedge that you are in the minority. Whether a wayward insult has been said in anger, or even if phrasing has not been quite on point, words can upset or anger people.

From personal experience, I know that the words someone has said will stay imprinted on my brain as an encyclopedia of negative experience, which I use as a reference to look up when I am feeling low. I have found that an ill mind categorically stores away all negative words in a lock box, safely tucked away to be kept for those opportune moments. Those times when you feel the worst about yourself. Then your brain activates to find these past quotes, remove them from any previous context, and warp them to fit into the required purpose.

Feeling worthless? There’s a quote for that. Remember when someone said that 3 years ago?

Think you are useless? There’s a quote for that too.

Sometimes words do manifest as weapons and inflict mental wounds which cause untold amounts of long-lasting pain. Essentially, this ‘harmless’ phrase may be teaching us that emotional abuse is acceptable (even if this is self-inflicted, which anxiety makes us do to ourselves).

This psychological warfare we wage on ourselves forces us to hyper focus on negative words, phrases, and connotations. Thinking that these words shouldn’t hurt you might explain why so many of us feel emotional abuse ‘isn’t real abuse’ or stops us from seeking professional help for our mental health, because we should be able to ‘rise above’ like we have been taught.

Talk therapy can help us to understand why we think this way and CBT can play a critical role to refocus language and construct a more helpful narrative.

Personally, when my anxiety and depression is high, I often hear ‘things will get better’ or ‘this feeling will pass’ from others around me. I often question – will it?

This could be argued is a natural reaction to constant fabrications being woven from childhood, so I question seemingly positive advice. AFTER ALL, I am pretty certain that I have not seen any medical evidence that carrots can make you have night-vision, and despite my best efforts I have not got the luscious curls I longed for as a little girl. And as we have seen above – words have certainly hurt me. However, therapy has taught me to question my own thoughts and almost play out a court case – what is the evidence for and against this thought? This helps me to determine fact from fiction.

Feel worthless? There’s a quote for that … but is it true?

This ability to constructively question if something is not right, should empower you to battle the impact of the negative words.

Maybe we should collectively band together to campaign to retire ‘Sticks and stones … ’ and instead promote another childhood lesson we are taught: ‘If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’.

If not, I suggest we flip the script and re-write the original to reflect the truth: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, and words can hurt my psyche.’

Written by Katie Ingram

Blogger @Poemstellium

Instagram: @katieingramauthor