You hide and you hide but eventually you’ll be found. It’s like a game of hide and seek. You get good at hiding the more times you play. Even so the person looking for you will get better at finding you too. Predicting your moves, until eventually they become accustomed to your pattern.
That’s how it feels battling with PTSD symptoms. You’re all good, then bang, smack. You’re triggered and just like a line of dominos all that you’ve built comes falling. You can only repress your symptoms for so long. Once upon a time, this was me.
After experiencing a traumatic event I would often slip and fall. This was until I received therapy and let me tell you. It took more than one therapist to get me where I am now. Even so I still have days that feel heavy but through learning about ptsd and being treated you learn how to deal these feelings head on. Still, you may very well end up on that list waiting to see another therapist.
Unfortunately, life Is unpredictable. You only have control over yourself, outside events are out of your control. You learn to wear what’s necessary with whatever weather is occurring. On a sad day I may need a jacket to hide and on a positive day I might just have my shades on.
You’ll never be the same and often those that are around you forget to realise this. High expectations are placed upon you. But even soldiers need a break to regroup.
No matter how resilient you are, you still need a break. You deserve a break.
You learn to navigate, some days you take strides other days it’s just steps. But one thing I’ve concluded is the fact that many in this world lack emotional intelligence. You’ll be surprised of how many individuals are completely unaware of their suffering and behaviour. You’ll be shocked of many will have a good intention but don’t have the tools to integrate such in their behaviour.
What I’m trying to say is living in a world suffering with ptsd can be complicated. You may take the average thing more personally and this all because your sensors are more sensitive. Then how they were before you encountered your traumatic experience. For some they would’ve never experienced this as they may have experienced trauma at a very young age.
Your ptsd will creep upon you sadly. That monster will visit you and it’s how you handle it. You may get countless knocks at your door and if you’re feeling brave. I would say, open the door. Say hello and you confront your monster. You may start wit, yes, I remember you. I can’t forget you, of course not. You pop up on me without warning and although you’re not always welcome. I’ll always acknowledge you because I’ve finally made peace with you. We can still and we can talk but I wish not to dwell. As when I dwell I re-trigger myself.
WRITTEN BY JAMIYLA FERGUSON
Instagram:@jamiylayla
FOUNDER/DIRECTOR @POEMSTELLIUM
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