I have always related to the line “somebody almost took away with all of my stuff”. I remember way too many times when I got lost in a deep ocean of mixed negative emotions that almost drowned me. I am telling you that someone almost grabbed and ran with all of my stuff and I would have let them. The accused in this case is the author, I truly blame Leticia – my anxiety most of the time but then I remember she lives within me so in a way she is me.

I almost let her get away with my happiness, she was grabbing and dragging my self confidence through filth and I almost believed I was unworthy of anything good that life had to offer. I almost let someone take off with all of my stuff and I packed them nicely in a suitcase ready to send it on its way with no hesitation. I was so far in the deep end of anxiety that I was willing to let go of self and never look back. People with mental health problems have episodes constantly and our fight or flight response is always on high alert it’s funny how mine sort of switched off at the time when I needed it the most.

When Leticia like a thief in the night was coming for my stuff. I was bound to the darkness and I felt comfortable, right at home. I wasn’t worried about getting better or feeling better. That is a place I escaped narrowly, in a blur of a moment a switch flipped in my head as if someone hit me hard enough on my head to knock my senses back to place and I realized that I was a little too far gone into a state of chronic anxiety without even being aware. It started small with ignoring one emotion, a single moment of panic not tending to self with love and kindness.

It was okay to speak and think negatively about myself, it was alright to put myself on trial, be the judge and the jury of how much of a worthless person I was. When you don’t stop yourself in a middle of a toxic thought or start being your own worst enemy and you are perfectly fine with it that is when you know, someone has ran away with all of your stuff and you have to stop them.

I started moving with kindness, with ease, with appreciation, with gratitude, with patience, with compassion and understanding for self and that is how I retrieved all of my stuff. In the battle of mental health just a shift in thought to one positive can change a lot. It does help when people around you also love you more on days when you fail to love yourself. It encourages you to do the same and I am grateful for that.

I have not outgrown my anxiety and I know it isn’t too far gone but I am happy to have not let it take over my life when it wanted to. Love yourself enough to pull yourself out the darkness even when it’s holding on to you. We may have not won the war but we have made it through the battle and that is worth celebrating.

Written by Sarah Banda

Blogger @Poemstellium

Instagram @sarah.banda_

Twitter @iam_sarahb_