As the winter months creep in, I’m reminded of the darkness that lies within me. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is more than just a fancy term for the “winter blues.” It’s a legitimate medical condition that affects millions of people worldwide, causing feelings of lethargy, hopelessness, and anxiety. 

SAD is a type of depression that’s triggered by the changing seasons, typically during the winter months when there’s less sunlight. It’s not just about feeling a bit down or sluggish; it’s a serious condition that can impact every aspect of a person’s life. The lack of sunlight can disrupt the body’s internal clock, leading to feelings of fatigue, irritability, and sadness. 

For me, SAD is a double-edged sword. Not only does it bring the usual symptoms, but it also awakens memories of my time in prison. The grey skies, the cold winds, and the short days all conspire to transport me back to a place I’d rather forget. 

I was sentenced in February, one of the coldest months of the year. Waking up at 4 am every morning, I would pray for daylight, longing for the warmth and light of the sun. Those early morning wake-up calls were brutal, and the darkness outside seemed to mirror the darkness within. 

But it was in that darkness that I found solace in writing poetry. Losing myself in words, I was able to escape the harsh realities of prison life. Poetry became my coping mechanism, my way of processing the emotions that threatened to overwhelm me. 

Now, back home, SAD has a significant impact on my daily life. My wife and I both have busy, pressurised jobs – I drive for a living, and she’s a teacher. Our schedules are demanding, and the lack of sunlight can make it even harder to cope. We often find ourselves leaving for work in the dark and returning home in the dark, which can be draining. 

The shorter days also mean that Christmas, Halloween, and other celebrations are tinged with a sense of melancholy. The festive lights and decorations can’t quite pierce the darkness that has taken up residence inside me. It’s as if the joy and cheer of the season are muted, and all I can feel is the weight of my own struggles. 

Despite the challenges, we’ve found ways to stay positive. We remind ourselves to focus on the small moments of joy, like sipping hot chocolate together on a cold evening or watching the stars on a clear night. We plan activities and trips for the summer, looking forward to the longer days and better weather. Having something to look forward to gives us a sense of purpose and helps us stay motivated. 

But despite the darkness, I know I have to stay positive. I have grandchildren who bring so much joy and light into my life, and for them, I want to be a source of strength and happiness. Halloween and Christmas mean celebration and fun, and I want to be fully present for those moments. I want to see the magic in their eyes, to feel their hugs and kisses, and to create memories that will last a lifetime. 

For them, I’ll put on a brave face, I’ll find ways to manage my SAD, and I’ll make sure that they feel loved and supported. I’ll be the grandfather they deserve, the one who brings laughter and joy into their lives. 

Coping Mechanisms 

So, how do I cope with SAD? Here are a few strategies that have helped me: 

Writing: Writing poetry, journaling, or simply writing down my thoughts and feelings helps me process my emotions and gain clarity. 

Planning ahead: Looking forward to the summer and planning activities with my partner and grandchildren gives me a sense of purpose and motivation. 

Staying connected: Talking to loved ones, friends, or a counsellor helps me feel less isolated and more supported. 

Focusing on the positives: Reminding myself of the things I’m grateful for, no matter how small, helps me stay positive. 

Breaking the Stigma and Seeking Help 

If you’re struggling with SAD or know someone who is, it’s essential to understand that it’s not just a matter of “getting over it” or “being strong.” SAD is a legitimate medical condition that requires treatment and support. There are many resources available, from light therapy to counselling, that can help manage the symptoms and improve quality of life. 

Resources 

If you’re struggling with SAD or other mental health issues, there are resources available to help. You can reach out to your GP or support groups in your area. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – it’s a sign of strength, not weakness. 

Conclusion 

SAD is a challenge, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. By acknowledging the darkness and seeking help, I’ve learned to cope with the symptoms and find ways to thrive. If you’re struggling with SAD, I hope my story can offer some hope and inspiration. Remember, you’re not alone, and there is help available. 

Dark Mornings 

the darkness seeps 
into my bones 
as I rise before dawn 
5am’s cruel light 
a bleak reminder 
of February’s icy grip 
when freedom’s light dimmed 

memories haunt me still 
of prison’s bleak corridors 
and mornings that dragged 
like heavy chains 
the weight of uncertainty 
crushing my soul 

but now I’m free 
yet still I rise 
before the sun’s warmth 
to drive through night’s veil 
the roads a blur 
as flashbacks intrude 

S.A.D’s dark whisper 
echoes through my mind 
seasonal affective disorder 
a weight I carry still 
the lack of light 
a physical ache 

my friend walks beside me 
in recovery’s slow pace 
depression’s shadow 
still a presence 
but with every step 
they find their strength 

I drive through morning’s gloom 
the darkness slowly lifts 
as dawn’s pale light creeps 
over the horizon’s edge 
a new day’s promise 
of hope and resilience 


Thomas Hannah 

Blogger @poemstellium 

@brokesellout