The Weight of Loss 

Today, I’m still trying to process the loss of my incredible mum. She was more than just a parent to me; she was my friend, my confidante, and my guiding light. As I sit here, writing this blog, I’m reminded of the eulogy I wrote for her funeral. 

“People called me a mummy’s boy, and you know what? I’m proud of it. Because being a mummy’s boy meant I got to experience unconditional love, unwavering support, and a lifetime of cherished memories with the most selfless person I’ve ever known.” These words still feel true today. Mum’s love and support were the foundation of my life, and her passing has left a gaping hole that can never be filled. 

A Life Well-Lived 

Mum’s life wasn’t without its battles. She faced challenges that would have broken a lesser person, from struggling to find acceptance to fighting health issues that tested her strength and resilience. But through it all, she remained strong, full of love, kindness, and warmth. She was the glue that held our family together, and her love for us was unconditional. 

Her passing was sudden and unexpected. She was admitted to the hospital with an infection, and just two months later, we received the diagnosis of vascular dementia. Two months after that, she was gone. The speed of it all was overwhelming, and I’m still trying to process it. 

The Final Months 

The last six months of Mum’s life were incredibly tough as we watched Mum slowly slip away from us due to dementia. But even in her struggles, she continued to show us her love, her humour, and her spark. I’m sure the care home staff will never forget her quick wit and sharp tongue! 

The Guilt and Regret 

The guilt creeps in, quietly, like a thief in the night. If I had been there, would I have seen the signs? Would I have pushed for answers, for a diagnosis? The what-ifs haunt me, taunt me, and make it hard to breathe. You see, I was dealing with my own challenges, and I wasn’t there to support her in the way I should have been. 

As I reflect on the past, I wish I could have been there more for her. I wonder if things would have been different if I’d been around more last year. Maybe the diagnosis would have come sooner, and she would have been with us a bit longer. And for that, I am truly sorry. But despite my regrets, I know that Mum loved me unconditionally, and I loved her just the same. 

Taking Care of Business 

After Mum’s passing, I had to step up and take care of everything, including arranging the funeral. At first, it was a blessing, keeping my mind occupied and the grief at bay. But now, I’m starting to feel the weight of it all. I’m not just grieving the loss of Mum; I’m also worrying about Dad’s future without her. They’re each other’s world, and after 54 years together, losing Mum has left him shattered. I’m now facing the challenge of making sure Dad is okay without Mum, which adds an extra layer of complexity to my grief. 

A Tribute to Mum 

Dad, you’ve lost your best friend, your partner, and your soulmate. I know how much you’re missing her. But let’s celebrate the 50 incredible years you shared together. Let’s continue to honour Mum’s memory by cherishing the time we had with her and holding onto the lessons she taught us about love, family, and resilience. 

Rest in peace, Mum. Your love, your laughter, and your legacy will live on in our hearts forever. You’ll Never Walk Alone. 

Navigating Grief and Mental Health 

As I navigate this new reality, I’m reminded of the importance of self-care. I’m making sure to take care of myself, physically and emotionally. I’m reaching out to loved ones, and I’m being kind to myself. I’m allowing myself to feel the emotions, to grieve, and to heal. 

If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with grief, mental health, or just life in general, I see you. I hear you. And I want you to know that you’re not alone. We’re in this together, navigating the ups and downs, and finding a way to heal and move forward. 

Resources 

If you’re struggling with grief or mental health, there are resources available to support you. Consider reaching out to: 

– Cruse Bereavement Care (UK) 

– Mind (UK) 

– Your GP or mental health professional 

A Message of Hope 

As I navigate this new reality, I’m learning to find hope in the smallest moments. I’m finding solace in the memories of Mum’s love and laughter. And I’m reminded that even in the darkest times, there is always a way forward. To anyone reading this who is struggling, I want you to know that you are strong enough to face this. You are not alone, and there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. 

written by Darren Parker

blogger @poemstellium