Often times when I mention that I have anxiety, I get the question “how does it feel like?” and normally I wouldn’t be able to answer that but today after a few months of not going through this and feeling completely okay, maybe relatively okay but still I was keeping my head above water. Until I had one of the most intense attacks I have had in a while, I can describe it as feeling as if I was drowning and someone was holding my head down in the water only this is happening on dry land. It felt as if my head was spinning a million times around and as I was spacing my chest felt like I have just been hit very hard by a sledgehammer.

My head keeps pounding and I can feel the slit on my throat left by the pain I just left out as I sob for no apparent reason or maybe from the many reasons, I came up with in my mind about how everything was going wrong. The lump in my throat is telling me I have been holding on to too many emotions and now all the stable walls I have been building emotionally came tumbling down. So, to answer the question, how does it feel? It feels like I am dying and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. It feels like I have no control of my emotions and though I know it hurts I cannot make it stop. I try to breathe because I know that is good for me in this instance but somehow, I can’t something is holding me back or maybe it is the thoughts racing at the back of my head telling me I can’t.

“Breathe in and breathe out” is what I keep telling myself but somehow my whole body is working on override and is not responding to my thoughts. I freeze, literally and I cannot get myself to do a thing because this moment feels like my last. From the many techniques of handling anxiety attacks that I have learnt over the years living with Leticia, only one seem to work. Reassurance, knowing that I am okay and that these moments or feelings are only temporary. That for me will always be a winner, so when I am facing the giant mountain that is my uncontrollable emotions, I look to the people I love the most, people who make me happy, people who make me feel safe and people who remind me to love myself in the midst of me being a chaotic mess. I say these words to myself “I am okay, this temporary and I am safe” multiple times but hearing it from someone else always bring me back and I feel more grounded. I am lucky to have friends and a partner who do not cringe at the fact that from time to time I can be an emotional mess, people who build me up when I tear myself down and love me even more on days that I fail to love myself. For me, reassurance and a lot of breathing helps.

I have started taking my medication again since I have been experiencing a lot of lows lately but mainly caused by stress which I am working hard to control maybe the pills aren’t working is what I say sometimes but who am I kidding Leticia is a loud mouth still, Who keeps going on and on about what is going wrong and how much life sucks that is enough to drive even the strongest of us to the edge. I am relatively a positive person who loves life but from time to time I find that I self-sabotage because of my fear of things going wrong or not being good enough. That is how I found myself weeping today so much so like a person who has suffered a great loss perhaps that loss was a sense of control of how I am feeling. I know my mom would tell me to get a grip and stop obsessing over negative thoughts, but Leticia’s words are always stronger or at least at the moment of these attacks they are. I could really conclude my answer with saying my anxiety feels like I am going to die only it doesn’t happen fast enough. It is a feeling of the light is going out, but it keeps flickering until it burns bright again. It hurts like hell, and I know some of you can relate, it is more the pain than it is the thoughts for me or is it the fact that suddenly when it all stops and you start feeling like yourself all of it is just embarrassing. As if what was the point? And each time feels exactly the same, like a death awaiting to happen only you seem to survive.

As horrible as it may sound when it does happen remember to breathe… know that you’re okay because it temporary and you are safe.

Written by Sarah Banda

Blogger @Poemstellium

Instagram @sarah.banda_

Twitter @iam_sarahb_