I was told, despite my having spent the best part of half an hour explaining to the lady I was talking to that I certainly was not okay, that I looked okay to her. I looked at her like she’d grown an extra head. I wanted to reply, “Well, I am glad you are only concerned with how I look and not how I feel,” but the words wouldn’t come.

Sadly, this is only the most recent incident of having my physical appearance used by others to decide how well I am physically and mentally, or how well I am coping with stress, etc. Someone, after I’d explained to them that I’d been to the doctor’s for my depression, told me I didn’t look like I had depression. I wasn’t aware that depression had a certain look or that I needed the agreement of others to validate my problems. This same person also told me some time later that if I lost weight, I wouldn’t be depressed. Really? And there I was thinking it was to do with unresolved trauma and damaging coping mechanisms.

Not everyone making these kinds of comments is trying to be mean. A lot of the time, people don’t even realise they’re making others feel worse; it’s just something they say without thinking. They may believe what they’re saying is true and think they’re being helpful. It’s easy to overlook how our words can hit someone. What seems like advice to one person might feel hurtful to someone else. The rule I try to follow is if I wouldn’t like something said to me, I don’t say it to someone else. 

Someone’s health battle does not need to have a physical indicator to be valid. Western society, for many decades, has taught people to hide problems as they are considered signs of weakness. They are not; they are signs of being human. We’ve also been taught to berate those who cannot or will not hide their problems. Good health encompasses both physical and mental well-being. There is nothing weak about struggling and needing support or help in whatever form that help takes. Everyone deals with things differently, and we all have different breaking points and limits to what we can deal with.

Listening to someone without judgment is one of the most important things you can do to help and support someone. Sometimes, people need a sounding board or to share their struggles openly. Often, we think we need to offer solutions or advice, but sometimes just being there, allowing them to vent or share their experiences freely, can help them to make progress in dealing with what they are going through.

I very much doubt that there will be many people who go through their lives without needing the support of others, whether that be friends, a doctor, medication, or a therapist. Sadly, if the current cultural attitude towards being open about struggles and reaching out for what they need continues, people will suffer far more than they should, and it may end up costing them their lives.

WRITTEN BY LORNA SMART

BLOGGER @POEMSTELLIUM