After I Became a Mother: My Experience of Postpartum Psychosis

In 2019, the most amazing thing of my life happened – I birthed a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Then, 17 days later, my little family had to make the heart-breaking decision to make a two hour journey to our ‘nearest’ Mother Baby Unit (MBU) as I was suffering from Postpartum Psychosis – a rare, but treatable, medical emergency. Within 24 hours of admission, I was sectioned and remained in their care for just under 6 weeks. There, I had to undergo the mammoth undertaking of healing from a C-Section, learning how to be a new mother and navigating the complexities of postpartum psychosis.

With a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and a history of psychosis, I was high risk for postpartum psychosis. With the Perinatal Mental Health Team (PMHT) and MBU outreach, we wrote an ‘Advanced Statement’ to plan for the possibility of postpartum psychosis, but despite every precaution, it still happened.

Eddie was born via planned C-Section. I stayed for four nights in hospital – probably too long in hindsight. I had wild, realistic and graphic dreams, as if seeing the operation being performed, and strange images of Eddie being harmed. I was on medication for pain as I’d hurt my neck during the birth – straining to see him being born.

When we got home, things mildly improved – Eddie latched on and I started breast feeding him – but the dreams at night were hellish and my anxiety increased quickly. I didn’t really want to go out or have people over to see Eddie. I was struggling to sleep, my mouth dry and nose blocked, and my legs kept flicking every time I dropped off and waking me up. I was only grabbing a few hours sleep a night. The severe sleep deprivation became a huge risk factor for postpartum psychosis.

We tried everything to support me but I started experiencing panic attacks and my reality felt strange and scary. Some days, I’d be sobbing one minute then singing at the top of my voice saying, ‘I don’t want the day to end.’

This wasn’t just the ‘baby blues’ – it was hypomania which eventually led to psychosis.

Admission to the Mother Baby Unit

Even with my Bipolar medication being increased and additional medication introduced for anxiety, I wasn’t improving so the decision was made that I needed to be admitted to the MBU: myself and my husband in one car; my parents trailing behind. I wrote to myself: ‘go in, get help, get better, come out.’ I was already too unwell to understand the implications.

I remember parts of arriving there but it’s dream-like, like recalling the events of a drunken night. The MBU had only opened six months prior and there were eight beds with mothers and their babies. I was sectioned under the Mental Health Act 1983. In my assessment meeting, they would have seen me wildly gesticulating, trying to use sign language, believing I could read minds and alter the outcome – I was highly delusional.

Postpartum psychosis often develops quickly after birth and can include anxiety, delusions, elevated mood, paranoia and hallucinations – all exacerbated by sleep deprivation.

I was taken off my ‘safe drug’ for Bipolar that I’d been on for 12 years and given an alternative to try and bring me down. I was on 15 minute observations and we were one-to-one for support, meaning for those first two weeks we had someone with us at all times which did feel claustrophobic but was, of course, for our safety.

The worst part was that my son, Eddie, was separated from me and was not allowed to sleep in my room with me for the first two weeks. Their primary aim was to get me sleeping properly to help bring me down from psychosis. I was slipping in and out of lucidity and when I watch videos back, I barely recognise myself.

I had extreme delusions of grandeur: I thought I was a lactating Mary Mother of God and my son was Jesus reincarnated, that I could heal people, that I’d written all the books there and could travel to Australia in my sleep.

These delusions were as real to me then as my normal reality is now and by having such delusional beliefs, I was completely alone.

Recovery

My experiences from the MBU are mixed and there were teething problems, but I continue to think everyone was there to help and tried their best at the time.

I was medication compliant, I rested, I ‘pumped and dumped’ (no longer able to breastfeed), took part in activities with Eddie and learned how to look after him as best I could. After two weeks, I was eventually allowed out with supervised leave which aided my recovery immensely.

There was lots of psychological intervention and weekly meetings where my progress was monitored. I hated these as they were extremely formal and my anxiety was overwhelming. In my third week, I contacted an Advocate from Rethink Mental Illness and he supported me enormously, eventually helping to get my section rescinded. After 5 weeks and 5 days, I left the MBU and was formally discharged on Christmas Eve.

There were epic highs and crashing lows, nights of laughter and nights of lonely sobbing. I climbed my own personal Everest there.

I did, however, recover fully – completely – and the experience shaped me, not scarred me.

I am forever grateful for the support and encouragement of the staff at the Mother Baby Unit who treated me with dignity and compassion at what was a hugely vulnerable time and helped me see myself foremost as a mummy, not an individual in a psychiatric ward.

I now have a wonderfully close relationship with my son, who is six and a half and knows mummy was poorly after he was born. My memoir, ‘Everyone is here to help – a healing account of postpartum psychosis and recovery’ by Ruth M Stacey, was published in April 2024 and a percentage of every book sold goes to support the incredible work that Action on Postpartum Psychosis do to support mothers, partners and families affected by postpartum psychosis.

You are not alone and with help, you WILL get better.

Written By Ruth M Stacey