Daughter Of A Boy’s Mum

By Jisso Myung

I always saw my mum in the stereotypical “boy’s mum.”
I didn’t really fault her,
It seemed culturally natural,
And even more so because I was her first child: 

The problematic student that ends up hospitalized
And repeats a year due to her own incapabilities. 

Within a harsh Korean diaspora community, 

I’m sure it was especially isolating,
Even if it didn’t really bother her. 

Being a “younger brother” seemed like such a blessing:
You get love and second chances. 

Blessings I felt I was robbed of. 

I later grew out of this childish jealousy. 

But my mum has always been a “boy’s mum,”
The type that hates her failure of a daughter,
As a mirror of her own failures. 

My brother’s baby fat was cute at 12 years old,
While my disproportionate fat just simply made me fat. 

Juice diets,

Raw vegetables, 

0 kcal konjac jelly…

Skipping meals,

Binge eating,

Purging. 

My mum’s criticisms echoed in my head
Until I was self policing how my body looked
Before my puberty ended. 

Sitting in the Olive Young lounge at Seongsu,

I tell my “boy’s mum” of how I feel, 

Of the loneliness and pain I’ve been carrying. 

She looks back blankly,
Then starts interrogating me instead:

Why did you buy him toys?

I just thought he’d like them. 

Why did you buy him a drink? 

He wanted to try the ube drink so I thought I’d get it with my iced latte. 

A simple “I see,” would’ve hurt less. 

She didn’t even have to understand or agree-
Just an acknowledgement would have been great. 

An emotionally absent father and a mother who loves her son.

And a brother who started ignoring me since last month. 

I wish home felt as safe and cosy
As I was taught at school, and from books and movies. 

I wish my family would listen to me,
Check in on me,
Validate my emotions.

But I know I’m asking too much… 

As an adult with a shopping addiction on a spending spree,

As an adult with ADHD who always struggles with school attendance and weekly assignments,

As an adult with executive dysfunction who struggles with hygiene and basic tasks,

As an adult who still collects toys and plushies-

I guess this list could go on for as long as I feel like typing it out.

Jisso Myung Biography
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Jisoo Myung is a Korean writer who grew up in Hong Kong, and is currently studying in South Korea. Her interests and work lie in historical memory, urban life, identity, and gender studies. Recently, she has begun to reconnect with herself through art: such as poetry.