Dizziness, getting tired pretty quick, suddenly feeling overwhelmed, run down, waking up dismantled, quite broken and worn out, is the order of the day.

Anxiety is top heavy.

It kicked in full flux when I was 16, the great big panicky vibe, head all steamy, overwhelmed, with claustrophobia eating away at me. It visited me before college, during college and all my waking hours, it would bug me and not go away. It made me drop out of college twice.

I would think, what’s happening? Feeling very nervous, fearful and sad – I knew that from childhood but this unbearable rush of head fog; head feeling so full, on a never ending spinning wheel, draining me within my head was new. Only I knew the pain, unable to concentrate or relax, anxiety was my new unwanted guest.

Over the years I’ve had many lows with it, it’s taken a toll on me, the mighty panic attacks like a bolt of lightning, along with the feeling of dread which visits like that, out of the blue, every week or every other week, it can be for a few days or multiple days, especially when I’m out, telling me – I should’ve stayed in.

Anxiety has never left, in my 30s, I still wrestle with it, it stops me from getting essential tasks done in a timely fashion. It slows me down big time, so I’m unable to have daily showers or cook regularly, cleaning is a struggle. Popping out in a timely fashion is a mighty task because I need to use the loo four or five times and I feel so anxious. Sleeping is another chore because I take ages to fall asleep and have broken sleep or very little sleep.

Anxiety is a daily battle, it’s a dark cloud overshadowing me, not wanting to leave, it lingers on.

It’s slowed down many aspects of my life, made me put many of my dreams on hold.

Trying to balance it out, I lose balance many a times, it doesn’t follow the rhythm of medicine; it hates head pills. t has a beat of its own and wants to stay in my head, interfering with my life.

It’s not easy to live in the anxiety mode, I trod along as best I can alhamdulillah, for I know anxiety lingers on, my soul says 26 years of non stop emotional abuse brought it on.

Deep down, I hope for an everlasting cure so I can live a fuller life. Free from the baggage of health issues, and chasing my dreams and aspirations, feeling more relaxed and energetic mentally and physically.

Anxiety is a friend, I’d rather not have. I’ve done everything to get rid of it but it lingers on, so I’m living with it.

Written by Riffat Jamshad

Guest Writer @Poemstellium

This was written in accordance of bringing awareness to anxiety for Mental Health Awareness Week.