I have suffered too many painful events in my teenage years and most of my young adult life, most of which I never really got to process. I always remember myself as being strong, never crying about it more than I should, and never talking about it because it would not solve anything. Needless to say, that manifested itself into a burden of emotions which then became my anxiety. I did not need to be strong, I was too young for that. I needed to feel it and have somebody hold me and let me know it was all going to be okay, I deserve that. I have had to stand up for myself way too many times. It does not make sense to be vulnerable now as an adult, I do not have walls up, it is straight-up concrete bar fences all around me because nothing can hurt me anymore.

I do not know how to let people love me for the simple reason that the people whom I let in the past hurt me and it is my fault I let that shut me off completely. I understand now how much power anger and pain can have over someone. I made myself believe that I was fine, I never stopped to deal with what was going on with me at any moment and that is not being strong. It is called being a coward, allow me to admit that is what I am. I kept running from my pain hoping it was not fast enough to catch up with me. I am many things but I was never a fool that is why I know things you hide from always come back to haunt you. I have now realized that I am easily triggered, by one familiar word, one similar situation, or one common tone, and I break down into tears.

It will not take a lot because I am sitting on a pile of unprocessed hurt, anger, guilt, and resentment that is starting to spill over. Ever had a pot of rice spill over on a burning stove? Well, the flames run very high and that is my exact reaction every time. I am not anxious about what may happen, I am anxious about what will happen if I get as close to people as I did the last time. I am afraid of relieving my pain. For the most part, I do believe that not everyone is out to get me but would you tell a victim to trust their perpetrator again because they apologized? You know what they say, once bitten twice shy. They may not be out to get me but I will not let them be close enough to even try. These concrete bars I have built are keeping me safe.

I know what people can do to you, I have emotional scars to prove it, and some physical ones too. You do not just get over something like that, if anything you hold on to it and keep going back to it until it makes you feel horrible enough to put you in a dark place. I have been lucky enough to work out my triggers to the anxiety and to also learn that what I have is nothing to be ashamed of. I have suffered this long enough to not be familiar with it and to not get comfortable with it. Do not look it dead in the eyes and say farewell to you my bleeding heart – you do not have power over me anymore and I do not fear you anymore. I am happy to say I am processing, I am recovering, and I am fighting although it isn’t easy and will not all get better in a day at least I am dealing. Letting people close an inch at a time you know working up the courage to love like I used to again.

Working through each loss and each pain one at a time, understanding it, and learning from it. I am not running from it lately, I am running towards and through it to make it to the other side. Your pains, struggles, and horrible experiences do not define who you are but they shape how much of a stronger, better, and healthier person you become. So right now, I forgive myself…my past self for not knowing better, my present self for undermining my ability to handle things my past self, put me through and I commend my future self for conquering all of these demons. I may have fallen but I have never been broken.

For everyone who has felt, lived, or experienced something similar to this, know that from time to time you need to stand by yourself and remind the version of yourself that has been broken that: I see you, I hear you, I embrace you, I forgive you, I respect you, I love you but most importantly I admire you for taking your “rocks” and building something great and instead of throwing them back at people. You are okay and you are something great, the past is gone so stop dragging it to the present because the future will not be needing it. Do not let your past pain run away with all of your stuff.

We are all just a little bit bruised and that is okay.

Written by Sarah Banda

Blogger @Poemstellium

Instagram @sarah.banda_

Twitter @iam_sarahb_