It has been some time since I was frightened of the dark, and I don’t mean just the physical darkness. By the time I was in my late teens, I was on intimate terms with the darkness that occupied every space of my mind, heart, and soul. The black, screaming pain tore at me in ways I could not describe, but it was my normality. You assimilate to situations to an extent if they’ve been going on for a long time.

The physical darkness offered some comfort and reprieve. In the darkness, I didn’t need to hide; there was no pretence to keep up and no one to see my shame, pain, fear and guilt. So I could take my mask off for a while.

It was the light that frightened me. The light meant another day, interacting with other people, trying to look normal and well, reaching out to those who were supposed to care and being rejected, ridiculed and demeaned.

So, what changed?

A few important things happened:

1. I couldn’t hide it anymore. I was very obviously badly struggling and not well. My behaviour was all over the place, my mistreatment of myself was becoming more evident, and I became unreliable.

2. Slowly and over time, I met people who cared. They did not run when I could not contain my pain. They saw the scars and did not berate my coping mechanisms. They listened even if they did not understand.

3. With the support of my friends and loved ones, I was encouraged to reach out again. Each time it went badly, they were there to help me keep trying. I eventually found professionals who supported and helped me to navigate my way through my problems. I learnt many things, such as the warning signs, new coping mechanisms and how to express myself. It was hard and painful work that took a long time, but it paid off. The light started to look less frightening. I began to have the real prospect of a life in the light where I could be who I was and not just the bits people wanted to see.

Over the last decade, I have come fully out into the light. I no longer wear a mask, live for others only or need the approval of others. I am me, warts and all. Sometimes the darkness still visits, but I know it is not my home.

Written By Lorna Smart

Blogger @Poemstellium

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