I cannot stand things being out of place or being a mess because then I need to fix it, I need to make it right. This is the problem with living with anxiety, I need to be able to control the outcome of everything. I need to know how things turn out or I will lose my mind.

The past few weeks have been a little heavy on me as I am dealing with too many things all at once that doesn’t usually help my anxiety. I’ve also realised that my somewhat little OCD stems from my ability to worry excessively about stuff.

But yet again I now see that I am living my life in spite of that, that’s basically how I can explain it. In spite of being unable to breathe in spaces that have too much human traffic because I cannot keep up with the movement, the noise and the busyness of it all, I still show up every single day.

In spite of the fact that I am shit scared to go to places on my own because then I start feeling uneasy and awkward since there is no familiar face to help me when I trample over my words and cannot string a proper sentence without making a fool of myself. You will find me out on my own anyway.

In spite of being able to make a mountain over a mole every time a little inconvenience occurs, I still manage to play it cool and act as if everything is right in the world while I have 99 different scenarios on how things can go from worse to terrible in my head.

In spite of sweaty palms, chest pains, dry mouth, shaking hands, shortness of breath, headaches, tears, mixed emotions, fear and uncertainty, I am still expected to show up for life every other day because the world doesn’t care that you are drowning, it keeps moving.

I know now that I am allowed only a few minutes of a mental breakdown a day then I need to get it together and get things done. I know I cannot control everything but I try anyway because anxiety has made that my response to anything really.

This is just another way of letting you in on my journey with Leticia – my anxiety.

We don’t do well together on most days but we never part ways in spite of the pain we go through.

Written by Sarah Banda

Blogger @Poemstellium

Instagram @sarah.banda_

Twitter @iam_sarahb_