I have recently reconnected with Leticia (that’s what I call my anxiety but don’t ask), who was

never really gone but went away for a while.

Leticia and I have the kind of relationship where one is dominant and the other is submissive but you already who’s who. Now let me introduce you to her and the type of person she is, I promise you will learn to like her or not.

She is sassy, loud, and has a bit of an attitude. For an instance, I would see an outfit I like and the small voice in my head would say “that wouldn’t even look good on you”. For that reason, I won’t get it because somewhere deep down I think she is always right.

She is the honest type of person may be way too honest but I promise you, she is a nice person. Oh, and did I mention that she is jealous? We’ve always been together and it has just been the two of us for a long time. Now imagine me trying to invite someone else into our space, she is having none of that.

Leticia is the reason I don’t go out anymore because she doesn’t do crowds, she is the reason I am constantly shaking when I have to speak to people and the reason I avoid human contact most of the time. There are days when I cannot breathe and I can’t stop rocking back and forth because she is in my head reminding me of how less she thinks of me or how I’ll never be good enough.

Without Leticia, I am the beautiful, smart and bubbly lady who gets on well with everyone but there is another tenant in this house and she is not willing to share. She does go away for a while and gives me room to be with other people but like I said she is a nice person at times but you can’t stay for too long because soon she will be back.

Often, I have little rehearsals in my head before I speak, it has to be done. What if I say the wrong thing? Or what if they laugh at me? Perhaps they’ll think I am stupid not that I am but what if? I don’t get to do a lot of things that I know I am good at because of my anxiety. I know it’s not okay but then again, they do say “it’s okay not to be okay” or at least that’s what Jessie J said and that woman is right.

I don’t know if you ever get this pit at the bottom of your stomach as Rey Mysterio hit you with his famous wrestling move “the spear”. I hope I am painting a clear picture of how it is to live with my anxiety. This feeling is my daily bread and butter, I wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night feeling like this. Scared of the unknown, confused about my feelings, and lost in the fear of everything going wrong.

This all is a struggle but remember what Miss Jessie J said 😉

I am glad you got to meet us and in time you will hear more of our story.

Written by Sarah Banda

Blogger @Poemstellium

Instagram @sarah.banda_

Twitter @iam_sarahb_