I was raised on survival, and it shows, I am hardly living just trying to get through the next minute, hour, day, week and so forth without falling apart. I have known pain, I have sat with it and got acquainted with it that we are now so familiar I never know who I am without it. I was taught not to beg or ask for help because people have their own problems. I didn’t understand at the time that my mother was really trying to protect me from what comes with being vulnerable with people.

The ridicule, the gossip, and the pity. She knew that people look at you differently when they know your problems. I know someone will say not everyone is like that, but most people are and that’s what makes asking for help so difficult for me. I sit with my struggles until they choke me before I reach out to anyone because I never know how they will respond.

I can blame that on my anxiety as well, I don’t go out looking for the worst in people, my mind is just already wired to expect it and not be surprised when it is revealed. I fight so many battles with my mind on a daily basis, but not once have I ever felt like giving up and tapping out of life. I know of a lot of moments where suicide should’ve been the answer but remember that sheer audacity, I told you about? It keeps me alive because it tells me why the hell would you want to die and put the people you love through pain? It tells me what if things get better tomorrow and you take your life today. So, I hang on. Even when it doesn’t make sense most of the time.

Why would living at the mercy of other people make sense to anyone? Why would living just to see the next day be a thing one wants to do? See, this is not resilience. It is the audacity to want to go on regardless. Am I tired? Of course! I am extremely tired of surviving. I am tired of fighting through the pain and hoping that tomorrow is a better day because I really don’t know that it will be. I keep hearing everyone say it will get better but when? And does it really get better or just bearable?

I have never known it to get better so I will need someone to start showing me some proof. I know they say life doesn’t have to be this hard but hell it is. And we can’t be expected to ignore that, the fight between my mind and heart never ceases as we continue to be strong because that is all we’ve ever known.

I come from a strong and resilient woman, so I had no choice but to be one. However, what happens when I no longer want to be? What happens when I want ease in my life? What happens when I want comfort? What happens when I want to live and not merely survive? What happens when I want to stop bothering people with my problems and just have my own? These are the questions I have been sitting with for days. Since I have the sheer audacity to carry on with life even when it has been unkind to me, what do I now? How do I carry on without feeling like a burden? How do I carry on without the voices in my head screaming for us to get out. How does one come out of survival mode when they know nothing else?

Written by Sarah Banda

Blogger @Poemstellium

Instagram @sarah.banda_

Twitter @iam_sarahb_